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Your essay covers the task well but needs more detailed explanations for your main points. The organization and coherence of your essay can be improved by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Your vocabulary is adequate, but be careful with word choice and usage. Finally, pay attention to grammatical accuracy to enhance the overall clarity of your writing. With these improvements, you can raise your score in each of the criteria.

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Cultural background is one among some factors that affects children's development. Parenting style is usually inherited, that's why some traditions regarding nurturing children are passed from generations to their offspring. Until nowadays, topic about "nature or nurture" is still popular and to be discussed by scientists and psychologist. Researches about the impact of genetic and environment on the growth of children continue since there are a lot more to discover.
A topic that is always updated in pedagogical studies of children development is how we help children achieve their goals. Parents and environments such as school and neighborhood are considered to be responsible to help children pursuing their dreams. In some cultures, children often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough, whereas in fact, it is quite complex to determine factors that lead to success.
Giving children message to be a hard worker can build positive character such as persistency. With some examples, parents can teach their children proportionally based on their age and growth phase. Contrary, giving too much motivations can make children feel overwhelmed. If we insist them too hard, it possibly give long-term negative effects such as being never enough with themselves and posses toxic productivity character.
In addition, some people think that being hard worker to reach any achievement is already outdated mindset. There are some other significant factors such as managing appropriate strategies. With the advance of technology, working smarter is more valued than working harder. Overall, motivate children to be a hard worker person can give come benefits if we do it in a good way and proportional dose.

Overall Feedback

Your essay covers the task well but needs more detailed explanations for your main points. The organization and coherence of your essay can be improved by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Your vocabulary is adequate, but be careful with word choice and usage. Finally, pay attention to grammatical accuracy to enhance the overall clarity of your writing. With these improvements, you can raise your score in each of the criteria.

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