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Your essay presents both sides of the argument but lacks depth in its discussion and clarity in its conclusions. Strengthening your argument with more detailed examples and explanations, improving the logical flow of your ideas, and paying careful attention to grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance your writing. To improve, focus on developing your points more fully, expanding your vocabulary, and practicing correct grammar usage.

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree.

Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
In many countries, especially the developed countries, children and teenagers are involved in the fulfilling everyday needs. Several factors cause this phenomenon, mainly the income of their parents are not sufficient to meet the bills or they are orphans. Children labor is not acceptable no matter the reason. While for teenagers, it is still debatable.
Why some teenagers are joining part-time jobs? It is not always because they have no choice, sometimes they do it because they are willing to.
Some of parents supports their teens to do part-time jobs because it brings benefits for their social development and hone particular skills they may need in the future. For example, when a men have vision to be a chef, they start to learn early about the work atmosphere and management of a restaurant by taking part-time job as a waiter in nearest restaurant. Another positive impact is teenagers can learn to manage their own money from side income, even the amount is not as high as full-time job salary. They can save to buy their tertiary items from their owns, and from that they learn persistence and consistency.
When some teenagers do part-time jobs even based on their willingness, some people worry about the possible effects on their mental and physical conditions. Part-time job is usually run after school, it may reduce the rest time and caused tiredness that can lead into distraction to their learning process at school. Parents and teachers do not want the teenagers to be less focus on subjects than how to gain more income from their side jobs. Some may also consider that the work environments are not suitable from teenagers.
Counting the positive and negative impacts of teenagers doing part-time jobs, we do not have to be contra if we are supported by regulations that can guarantee whether the
work place give safe space for teenagers to work in, with considerable amount of work-load, in a reasonable work duration.

Overall Feedback

Your essay presents both sides of the argument but lacks depth in its discussion and clarity in its conclusions. Strengthening your argument with more detailed examples and explanations, improving the logical flow of your ideas, and paying careful attention to grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance your writing. To improve, focus on developing your points more fully, expanding your vocabulary, and practicing correct grammar usage.

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