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Your essay is coherent and presents a clear argument, but it needs more development and elaboration of ideas. Expanding on your points and adding more examples would strengthen your essay. Additionally, pay attention to vocabulary and grammar to avoid errors. With some improvements, you can achieve a higher score.

Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing videogames.

To what extent to you agree or disagree?

Many people consider that enjoying outdoor pursuits is more vital for children than just connecting in with digital entertainment. I totally agree with this point of view.
First of all, outdoor exploration supports children's health in many ways. This is because it requires them to make a variety of movements. For example, biking around the neighbourhood in the morning will defenitely boost the strength of the bone. Another common example is playing football. Numerous children find football interesting that it provides perfect outlet for their boundless energy.
Furthermore, the activities held outdoor encourage children to extend their friendship with peers. Children love making friends with those who have the same interests. For instance, if your children love playing football, he will surely find a group of people who do the same and they will influence each other positively.
In conclusion, engaging in outdoor activities has more beneficial impacts than just being surrounded by mobile devices. In my opinion, every child has their own ways to spend the days.

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4 paragraphs

167 words

6.0